Is it okay if my girlfriend talks to other guys behind my back?
No! Every relationship―even arranged marriages are built on the blocks of communication. When you started to seek her out on the grounds of companionship, surely, you didn’t just start dating. It started from hellos and blossomed into longer conversations which helped you both understand each other and desired to be together.
In That same way, if she begins talking to other guys, she would begin to desire other guys. The book of Proverbs encourages each of us to drink from our wells and seek comfort in the bosom of our significant other (Paraphrased).
It is worrisome also that she does it behind your back. If there is nothing to be ashamed of or nothing to be guilty of, why can’t she confidently speak to these guys with you present? This keeps the guy in check and helps remind your girl that she is taken and isn’t supposed to emotionally avail herself to anyone else, especially anyone of the opposite sex as this can be the downfall of an otherwise healthy relationship. In light of this, I’ll attempt to walk you through an array of options on things you can do.
What to do if my girlfriend is talking to another guy behind my back?
There are a few things you can do and we will go through at least five (5) of them in this section.
Have a conversation about it.
If there’s ever the slightest possibility that she doesn’t realize it is wrong to talk to another guy when she is in a relationship, then you want to know and be able to address it properly. Having a conversation also helps you give her the benefit of the doubt, such that if it was a friendly, cordial relationship between them, you can express how you feel about it without sounding like you’re a control freak or being “too much”.
You can’t change what you don’t understand. How would you gain understanding if you don’t ask questions? Ask her if she thinks you’ll feel good about her relationship with the guy. Ask her how she would feel if she finds out you were talking to another girl behind her back. Would she feel good about it? Would she be able to continue in the relationship comfortably while you talk to another lady behind her back?
A wise man once said
if the truth sets us free, then it is right to say that we were always free, we just didn’t know it. What this means is having a conversation gives the power of knowledge such that you can decide, having gathered enough information, what to do without feeling guilty or feeling like you have made a wrong decision.
Communication helps you be empathetic. You’ll understand her state of mind and this would guide you to not judge irrationally or hurriedly.
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Give her conditions
Oftentimes we don’t see the worth of a thing or person we have around until we don’t have them around us anymore. It could be that we never thought a time would come when they cease to be ours. Putting this into consideration, make it clear to her that this “friendship” with the guy she has been talking to lately could be the end of your relationship. Jolt her out of her reverie and make her realize you had no intention of being in an open relationship, especially one you did not get the chance to decide for yourself.
Conditions bring into light what could be lost or gained. It gives her a chance to weigh the pros and cons of having peace in her relationship or forfeiting her relationship for the friendship she has with the guy she has been talking to. She would be forced to sit with her thoughts and decide for herself what she truly desires. It would also help her to see her relationship with you and with the other guy from a logical point of view and decide which is more important to her and which serves her best and gives her room to serve as well.
If she decides to continue with you in a relationship, be certain she understands that means she would discontinue her friendship with the other guy and every other guy you may not be aware of. Explain to her why you feel this passionately about this and this would help her understand your point of view and act more affectionately depending on her disposition toward you.
Ask her to define the relationship with the other guy.
What could have been a harmless cordial friendship could be perceived as what it is not? This would leave room for misappropriated judgment and friction when in truth, there never should be any. The truth of the extent and the boundaries set up within the friendship will help you see it for what it truly is.
This would in turn help you make an informed decision as to how you respond. Whether to consider ending the relationship on the grounds of infidelity or if you need to have an extensive talk with her about the effects her friendship has on your relationship.
Because, if she respects you and sees value in what you two share, then she would be more receptive to your feelings and more willing to put in the work needed to make what you two have into something magical.
Asking her to define the relationship doesn’t only benefit you but also her as it helps her view this friendship from the outside and interpret it logically. She’d find clarity in the knowledge of how she feels, how “he” feels, and how you feel.
Do an appraisal and know where your relationship is at.
Appraisals are mini-therapy sessions or at least, I like to call them that. They create an avenue for lovers to ask each other questions. Questions like, “how do you feel about this relationship?” “Do I meet your needs the way you would want them to be met?” “how do you like to be shown, love?” “Do I love you like you feel you deserve to be loved?” “When were you the happiest this week and what triggered these feelings of happiness?” “What do you love about our relationship?” “what would you want us to do better?” “Do you feel like I understand you completely?” “Do you feel like we have grown apart?” “When do you feel closest to me?” to mention but a few.
Appraisals are so good because they force you both to sit and have a conversation. It helps if you both are open and come into it planning to be honest about how you feel and contribute where necessary. Do not have any premeditated responses and try to maintain eye contact and be present in the conversation. Listen attentively and listen to know not to respond.
This helps strengthen bonds between partners and gives you both room to learn about mistakes you’ve been making and effect corrections where necessary.
Ask yourself if you have been the best partner.
Now that you both have had an appraisal and have learned of the various things that are going well in your relationship and the various things that aren’t, the next question you should be asking yourself should be aimed at knowing if you have been the best partner.
Conclude and ask for clarifications where necessary from your woman and make corrections where needed.
Women are believed to be highly emotional beings. They would pick a guy that connects with them and understand them over a guy that looks great and is rich. You may say that’s not true but it is a known fact that women who settle for a fine face and a fat pocket almost always keep another guy that fulfills them emotionally. That said, it could mean that she felt neglected and that is the reason why she has sought comfort in talking with another guy.
Decide the way forward.
With this newfound knowledge and understanding of your girl and your relationship, make up your mind on what you would want to do.
Conclusion
No relationship is without its struggles except someone or both people in it are pretending. However, what makes a relationship healthy is how much each partner feels comfortable enough to express their feelings and doubts without feeling like they are being judged or pushed over.
Create this space for your woman as that is the only way to truly get her to be vulnerable with you and express how she feels and why she has been talking to or entertaining advances or whatnot from another guy who is not you behind your back. Don’t make assumptions about how she would respond to your complaints, instead make them and don’t be swayed by how she reacts as it is better that you expressed yourself instead of keeping the peace and growing resentful later on.
By Abu Ogwuma Peace.